The Aftermath

I am in love with Nasr city. There's no other way to explain my obsession with it. And right now I've been dumped on my butt. I'm still crazily in love with Nasr city while the place is in another continent and time and the reasons for my unyielding devotion (my people) live in tiny pinpricks spread all across the freaking globe. I, like some hopelessly heartbroken people, hold on to a Utopian idea that isn't ever going to exist outside my imagination, and I won't let myself get over it.

I'm the reacher in our relationship. Nasr city was so completely out of my league that I never thought it would settle for me, but I'm ever so grateful that it did if only for a short time. Those few days were life changing. Having established the amazing but inaccessible awesomeness of Nasr city, I think it's safe to say that I was a bit insecure. Alright, very insecure. Each of those brilliant days I felt loved, like I belonged, sometimes even like it was my destiny to find my way there. The whole deal about how you only appreciate the value of something after you've lost it? Yeah that didn't happen with me; I always knew exactly what Nasr city was and how much it meant to me, I even had a fairly accurate idea about how I'd be after I left. So every day I had hoped and prayed that time would freeze so it wouldn't end.

Despite having the greatest time, there was an extremely annoying voice that I couldn't shake, one that makes gives me hell today, that kept telling me (reminding me, the voice corrects) that while it was true that I felt like I belonged - one of the wonderful charms of Nasr city - it would never really be mine. Even now I call it "Nasr City" not "my apartment", also my destiny had planned for me to NOT go to Nasr City... Heheh but I went anyway. And that could be why the Fates are pissed off at me now? ityby making the Fates really pissed off at me, and maybe that's why they're being so mean to me now.

I mean this shit SUCKS!! Like really really really REALLY sucks! I hate being back. Don't get me wrong, I did miss being home. But this is different, I can't really explain how it is. And I'd give just about anything to go back (back in time as well).

It's also completely unfair. It's been over a month! I'm hardly any better than I was when I got back. I still spent half my time playing the same memories over and over in my head. Dreams are still abusive, in the sense that I'm disoriented when I wake up in my room. Other memories ambush me constantly, for example when I say something like "Fine, don't tell me shit." A phrase I use almost daily, except now I can't say it because it takes me back to a place or a person or an incident, and that would be the end of any decent mood coz I'd start sulking. It's made me verbally handicapped, dammit! To make shit worse, my brooding seeps into my memories and swirls around in my insecurities and pukes out a concoction of poisonous thoughts. It starts with how it's over, then how I didn't get enough time, how it never was mine, how maybe it was all in my head, how maybe I had misinterpreted simple things and made them out to be much bigger than they actually were, how maybe I was an inconvenience, how it was wrong and selfish on my part to try to wriggle my way into their home and lives, making it less perfect for them. Thankfully, the concoction reaches a point where things are so toxic that they're not believable anymore, and I go back to thinking Yay! I have amazing friends! I'm loved ...Well, I was loved and then I relapse.
I should say I know amazing people! I'm so glad I got to spend time with them. I know that my joy of having spent time with them is incomparable but the question is, were they happy to have me around?

You see what I mean by it sucks, I suck - I loathe the voice! The I'm loved phase lasts for about a minute, the rest of the day I mope at the mercy of the voice. SUCKY SHIT!

But in spite of all this messed up drama within, I can say with absolute certainty that I will always cherish my memories and love the people in them unconditionally. If any of you come across this blogpost and want to pull out my internal organs, all I can say is I cant help thinking this shit; it's not like I like have these thoughts. I hate it. Also, during the YAY phase, I completely dismiss them. Im not fickle minded about the other part though, I honestly do love you guys and I will continue you to do so until you make your way to Delhi and manage to pull out my intestines and end my life.