Geminid lights

Multicoloured, self consuming cosmic dust has been about the only thing in my mind for the past six hours. It's 5 am, now's when the Geminid meteor shower hits its peak. And I've been waiting for the unyielding razzayi spread above Delhi to thin, all in vain obviously. I couldn't go to sleep when there was a possibility of the clouds raining out or something. To think I'd miss the opportunity to wish on so many shooting stars on something as trivial as sleep... To think I'd miss the opportunity to see them, to lose myself in them, to leave the earth behind and be floating around in the universe.

In 2010, I had stayed out a few hours and did just that. Then I didn't know much about them. I don't generally know much about anything that I obsess over, contrary to popular presumption. And last time, I was with some of my closest friends and lovely weather. We sat outside on jute sacks so our butts wouldn't freeze and shared chocolate and black current ice cream. And because when one says shower we imagine things to fly about with insane frequency, and then we realize that meteor showers don't give a damn about our definition of the word and continue teasing us at their own pace, then we are left with a lot of free time. This time we used to have fun, completely random conversations that I don't even remember, and also long but pleasant stretches of silence where we simply stared into the beautiful night sky... But the meteors were first priority; when I did see them, I was awestruck - forgetting the conversation, the company, the cold floor.. forgetting the world. (Gravity starts losing its power on me with me just thinking about it.. which also explains the use of such language. Coz when I'm floating around out there, I dont give a shit about being overly romantic or dramatic or repetitive or outright nonsensical) And of course I did wish on them. The wishes came true by the way. Maybe coincidence or maybe 3200 Phaethon (the asteroid which is source of the Geminids) is a really cool cosmic entity with wish granting powers and a large heart.

Thinking back I remember the thrill that I got every time I saw a streak of light more than the streak of light itself. And how I got excited every single time I saw one. I can't understand why a glowing dust particle would bring me such joy, except it did and I know that it will in the future as well. It brings out the optimist in me but unfortunately the sun's almost up which is my cue to give in to dormancy demands of my body. So even though I didn't see the Geminid meteor shower tonight, I will again.

Why write?

I haven't written in a while.

It's not because I have been without ideas.

It's not because I haven't had time to put these ideas into words.

It's not because I have started thinking that people read what I write now, because of which I'm self conscious and have started worrying about how it may be received.

Why do I write? Not why does one write, why do I  write?

I have not thought about it too much, the simplest answer to it is "because I like writing". That's not it, by the way, but for the sake of simplicity I'm going to leave it at that.

So if I enjoy writing and I constantly have images, phrases, analogies, ideas, etc that could be made into blog posts in my head. Why not just put it down on paper, in this case via keyboard onto screen?

I do not know.

I don't know. I just don't. And it's not only writing. There are many things that I know I should do, I can do, that is the only thing to do, the only thing that makes any sense. Yet I don't. Why not? I don't know.

Lichi juice person!

This person isn't particularly fond of blogging ...or bloggers, generally (but he likes me. YAY!)

This person thinks I'm incapable of being senti. I agree to an extent, I've never really had much of a history of senti-ness.

This person is awesome :D

For someone who claims she doesn't give a shit about how her blog is received, I'd written a thousand words here that you will not read (I type, I read, I edit, I re-read, I delete and then I type again) simply because I can not phrase it right and because I am constantly imagining up responses or reactions of said person to this, if ever he does read this, that is. Either way, that really shouldn't bother me coz I don't give a shit about what anyone thinks about my blog, right? Apparently not.

This person is well known to my friends, coz I just go on and on, I don't even realize when my friends switch off and are not really listening anymore.

This person, unfortunately, is stolen. In my defense though, she didn't know what I had stolen until after i did. Besides, its not stealing stealing, she still has him too. (This is starting to sound very weird.. :\ )
But in this case, I'm a selfish, psycho lady with OCD.
Therefore, this person I keep in a glass box. Like I said, I talk a lot and make them fall in love, but let them only stare at person through the glass. This is how it would be if I got my way, but I don't. Sigh.

This person who I can not NOT talk to for more than 3 days because something is missing, not sure what exactly but definitely something. This person who falls asleep when I'm ranting on about something (How rude right?) Hehehe no, this person I call back the next day so he can sleep off on me again. (Now it's kind of weird when he doesn't)

This person who has insane power over me, probably is aware of it, too.

This person is kind of evil.
Even so, has the ability to pull me out of any dark mood I might be lost in.
This person sometimes works better than Lichi juice! ;)

This person who has done so much for me that he won't begin to understand.

This person I have not known very long, but has come to mean so much.

Is so important now, that this person I can not live without.

Rain in new light

Whether it was a gloomy day to start with or if it had suddenly gotten dark, when the rain fell, I was usually among the first to run out and get drenched to the bone. Rains, often associated with disappointment or sorrow, always brought me the utmost joy. And I never really understood why they were seen as villains when just a drizzle could turn my worst day right back around. Of course I'd known the reasons behind the dark shadow cast on the showers but I guess I never really appreciated it in its full weight.

Out of the blue I would bring up the topic of rain, because just thinking about it would make me feel warm inside. I can see, in my head, how everything literally glows after a rain. When the cold water touches me, I get ecstatic and start jumping; this comes involuntarily, my joy can not be contained. So when the monsoon is still months away and I go crazy talking about the rain, sometimes my mother or a friend would tell me how the rain isn't seen by many as the amazingly wonderful marvel it is to me. They tell me, while the drop in temperature and the bringing of much needed water is very welcome, how virtually endless pouring overpowers rivers, floods homes, destroys property, starts of epidemics and claims lives. None of this is new to me, having spent a large chunk of my life in Kerala, rain is intrinsic to my life and I'm fully aware of the damage it leaves behind. When I read or hear about various related news items, I don't do so as a cold third party; I have seen houses being flooded and people rushing to higher ground unable to save things dear to them and I know of people in my neighborhood being carried away by the merciless currents and of the sorrow of their families. But even so, I could never bring myself to see the beautiful miracle of rain, that I was so in love with, in bad light.

Today for the first time in my recollected memory, I thought of the rain as something bad. Looking back at it now, it could have been an amazing experience; just the sort of thing I would go berserk over. I should have been the one screaming, "Look from this window! There's ICE here! Actual ice!" I should have been the first to run out onto the balcony with my arms spread and face turned up, to pull my cousins and go down to the roads to jump in the puddles, to yell up to my mother or uncle when they told me to be careful of the first rains that that  was the whole point! The first rains!

But I wasn't.

I was the first to notice the coming of the rain, happiness bubbling in me from the very first minute, and was well on my way to being the me described above. But as the family stared out the balcony doors at the unexpected storm, a gust of wind suddenly blew the cloud of swirling wind right at us. Within seconds the doors were unhinged and the breeze knocked down a few things in the room. We threw ourselves on them immediately and managed to bolt the doors, and nothing else happened. Excited people on the dry side of the walls exchanged comments in amusement, a small sheet of water crawled inside from under the doors, and the white cloud of water and ice had hijacked the balcony. The cloud left as quickly as it had come and the rain continued to fall vertically down. My family went back out to  find other groups of people out doing the same and little kids having the time of their lives outside. The brief two minutes that took for all this to happen changed a lot inside me. We were never in any danger and I was not worried about that. But I couldn't stop thinking about all those people who weren't as secure as us. We live on the third floor and it took some decent effort on our part to keep it from flooding, living on lower ground and watching the water advance into your home is a very chilling prospect. The doors we clamped down were metal, what about the people who have make shift houses, whose doors and roofs would be blown away with winds much less powerful than these?

I had convinced myself that I wasn't a cold third part, I realize only now that I was, and probably still am. I feel as helpless as one would while watching the water close in on you, when I think about what I could possible do to help these people, who I have never seen, but whose images I can't get out of my head.

Time Travel

Some pain in the ass exams were about to begin and I was under a self-imposed house arrest, in an attempt to try to study something... An effort that never really played out coz I would come up with the most imaginative and sometimes very dull and cliche ways to spend time doing anything but study. It was one of those latter method sort of days; I stood by the window and watched intently any movement in the non-exam-burdened world outside. Then, I noticed a sound, not at all unfamiliar; taken for granted - expected to sound every evening... I had just never given it much thought. And as I listened for the first time, images started bouncing around in my mind. Some were memories - scenes stolen from films - and others were similar, simpler and more believable images conjured up myself. The sound came from the routine ringing of the bell at a temple near by. The bars on my window disappeared, and I was standing in the temple vicinity. I could see people from a different world; from the bouncing images in my head, they came here every day without fail. Everything was different - the clothes, their behaviour, the language! I'm sure the temple wasn't that old, but I went to maybe a different temple a long time away. It's an otherworldly feeling, literally, and I dont think I can explain it.

Last night, after a month in the brand new Delhi, my time machine (temples) took me to a different place as well as a different time. Different place: the moment you get across the raised single step thing, you leave Delhi and walk into Kerala. They got everything right; the architecture, the smell, the crowd,the outfits, the Malayalam, the feel! And different time: I was taken eight years back to my own past. Having visited half a dozen places that were supposed to get me nostalgic (and the actual result quite disappointing), nothing brought back memories like this. I remember every single detail about the place! And for the first time after coming here, it felt like I had returned to a place I had known...

My religious veiws may not be very solid right now, but temples take me beyond all boundaries. Whether this happens only in my head or physically or even spiritually, I'm not sure. But temples take me back in time.

The Accumulation of Facts

"Nine into x minus y

is equal to..."

Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

DDRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The sharp corners of the room; closing in,

but staying where they are.

The tiles on the floor, the cracks in them.

The pretty hairs on heads made up in really cool ways,

I imagine someone staring at my head,

Not so prettily done.

The only objective - keep hair off sweaty neck.

(But I'm not alone, there are others like me)

Again; corners, tiles, heads. 

More corners, tiles and heads.

Then my vision closes in on KINLEY

Actually I can only see the KIN

But I know what it is.

I STARE.

The blue. The white.

Ahhh, the beautiful combination.

It has captured every atom 

of my concentration.

ie, if my concentration was a tanglible substance...

Hooked on to the colours'duet

with the crescendo of 

Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr -

the vehicles on the road,

I have now accumulated facts

And learnt not a word nor number of math.

[[ Note: I dont call this a poem. Only a consequence of my boredom in class. You call it what you may. ]]

You've Got Mail!

Seen that movie? I really like it. The part I like best are the emails! I love sending emails! And receiveing them! It's kind of established that I like writing. (Weird that, when I'm not too much into reading. Not a good thing, anyway) So I guess this is not very suprising. But the thing is, I have very little people to mail!

All my friends have email ids. But they also have accounts on Skype, Facebook and various chatting thingies. Oh yeah, they also have phones. Keeping in touch with someone has become befriending that person on one of these websites. Sure it does serve the purpose, you know what they're doing, see their pictures, comments and all that. Beyond that, that special personal interaction that probably defined the friendship fades away.
Inboxes are brimming with messages that people dont read; bulk mails sent to many from people you dont know, or from machines you dont know. So even if there is an innocent little hand-typed mail somewhere in there, it goes unnoticed; A lone kitten staring up at a giant 30 ft high tsunami wave about to crash down on it.

You get your contacts literally at your fingertips. Chatting or video calling is superfast communication. See, this is how the fading friendship thing works. You chat. Try to keep the conversation fun. Talk about what happened or fun things. Pick things out of the top of your head. Inevitably the conversation gets dry. You run out of ideas. Even chatting sessions become less frequent, for fear of boring conversations (yes, fear.. think about it). There's less chance of that in emails - there's more time to think about what to say and as its not direct constant interaction, theres time for things to accumulate and be told in a fun way.
This is turned around at me; "emails take too long" and "sitting and writing them is boring"... To that, all I can do is put on my 'I feel sorry for you'  expression and shake my head. [ Thinking Stupid people, cant spare 10 minutes to reply to a mail. Busy they say, psht!] Sorry becase they have crossed the point of seeing reason in thier superfast lives.
Just by the way, I know more about my friends I have email connections with than just other social networking connections. I have even developed great relions this way.

I like writing letters too! And the accumulation and thinking and writing of things happens better here. I'd love to have my friends write to me... maybe thats asking too much.
Sometimes, I'm called a technologial caveman; going "backwards" while everyone else is moving in the other direction... Hey, I chat, I Facebook (an addict even), I Skype. I just also happen to like emails and letters. Sue me.

Glowing threads

Couple of years back, I was in the park early morning. Probably reading something or just looking around at random things like tiiiiiiiiny bugs, not so tiny bugs, the birds that hop around.. My imagination goes wild when I'm there. But this is real...

So sitting on the grass I could see the sun coming up from behind the trees; you start seeing the gaps between the leaves light up and then the disk comes out. It's early enough that you can actually stare at the sun without hurting your eyes. While all this was very beautiful, that day when I was staring, something else caught my attention - something glowing or a light beam from somewhere. It took me a while to focus on it, and then I realized that it was this one  strand of a spider web. It had caught the light and was glowing. I followed it from the tip of a branch to a stone on the ground. And then all of a sudden I saw that the grass was filled with these glowing threads! Criss-crossing all over the place.

It's a very gentle glow, and I guess you'd need to look for it to find and see it, but once you do - it's everywhere! It was amazing how I'd never noticed it before.

Starting near my foot I looked further away and saw that tiny spiders or other weby creatures had been very busy at night and had webbed up the entire area.. But you could only see the lines where the sunlight touched them.

After a while, as the sun rose higher, the light in the threads dimmed until they became invisible again. Only, now I know they're there.

Ice cream day

It's February 27th

Very important day. Hyped up waaay too much sometimes.
For one, it's the Oscars.. Movie buffs I know are all apprehensive (I dont know many, but I imagine they would be, if I knew em)
The guy who has hosted successfully at numerous occassions before and someone who I personally love watching is hosting the event. So yay!!
It's so weird what these celebrities wear to these things. Even the ones that arent termed weird look pretty bizarre to me. And the ones I like go without mention in all the talks that follow the Oscars.

The significance of this day is not really the Oscars. If it was indeed the most important quality of the day to me, I'd get screamed at from all sides, including from inside, ie I'd get screamed at by me.
No, today is 3 days away from the launch of the CBSE board exam 2012 (aka AISSCE).
AISSE (All India Secondary School Exam) is what I wrote in class 10, AISSCE (All India Seconday School CERTIFICATE Exam) is what I'll be writing starting 1st March. The tiny difference in the exam appears to be the addition of "Certificate" in the latter. But its not, this one is EVILLER! It's got me all edgey, and I dont get "tense" (or tenseD as is used) for exams, well I didnt anyway.
I did fine in the other exam 2 years ago. But on a synonym day (by which I mean a day in this day's shoes.. uh 3 days before my other board exam) in 2010, I was having a hell lot of fun - it was HOLI!! We'd played all morning and promised to be carefull. But "Carefull" wasnt particularly fond of me and was adamant to avoid me on that day. As a result while attempting a sad sad sad version of a sliding tackle, I still dont know how I managed, I twisted my foot and fell on it, very effectively screwing up any plans I might have had of walking (etc) for the next 2 months. Lovely innit? So anyway I really did get screamed at from all sides, but it got me sitting somewhere motionless and bored and with nothing but studying to do. Despite what anyone else might say, I believe that I wouldnt have gotten the marks I did if it wasnt for my foot.

NOW, though I have no broken foot or 90% in my preboards to console me. I dont think, I'll be able to get away with hurting myself (Hurt myself sufficiently but with only the precise amount of damage <- that is tricky; if ex-ante hurt and ex-post hurt dont coincide, the plan could seriously back fire...)
So since broken foot wont work, I'm gonna get me some icecream.. Tata!

Maybe..

Often I think how my life would have been if I'd stayed in London. I'm guessing I would have been really really reeeeaaaaallly different. From my accent, to clothes, to the way I talk.. just different in every way.

If I'd stayed..

Maybe I'd have blue hair.

Maybe I'd be wearing heels that are over 2 inches high.

Maybe I'd spend hours doing homework and studying..

Or not at all.
Maybe I would never leave home without make up and matching accessories, maybe I would rarely ever leave

Maybe I'd have had a few boyfriends

Maybe I'd wear a dress to prom, maybe I wouldnt go.

Maybe I'd want to leave London forever and come back to India, maybe I'd never ever want to leave.
Maybe I'd eat all day, maybe I'd be anorexic
Maybe I would've danced, something very different from Bharatanatyam

Maybe I'd have learnt some instrument and got some friends and joined a band.
Maybe I would've gone out of my way to fit in, maybe I would have said "screw the crowd"

Maybe my photo would have been there in the slideshow of faces, some I knew and many I didnt, that I just saw...

Or maybe I'd be more or less the same, except with blue hair.

Observations of a sick wall

Some crazy people want to go to school when they are sick.When I get sick, I want to be home. If I was the tiniest bit unwell, I would use it as an excuse to not go to school. But there are some days when I get sick in school. The worst situation is when these days come with exams... 

...The exam usually the trigger, starts off a headache - the ones that feel like you are head is wedged between contracting boulders - and I have to use my tortured brain to finish the stupid exam. When I'm done, I have to make small talk about the horrendous exam, nod, smile and drag myself through an endless sea of evil, mindless bobbleheads, all the while thinking of ways to throw them out of my way or imagining turning into a bulldozer and making a path straight over them or ways to incinerate them all at one go... A small voice reminds me that these people are my friends who are not indeed evil, mindless bobbleheads. 

Once outside the building, I duck out from under the radar and find me a relatively quiet place to sit and hope that my friends do not find me, this time bombarding me with querries about my health and mood.

And then the final bell rings and kids pour out in all sizes from virtually everywhere! This effect is magnified with the improvements in memory caused by the headache and fever. The noise of school already echoing in my skull increases a hundred fold. The little kids screaming and running around hitting anything and anyone on their paths have you believed you're in a horror film.

If I'm lucky, I become a part of the wall. No one sees me and eventually I can somewhat tune the noise out, rather it becomes a loud but smooth silk cocoon surrounding me much any more. As an ill wall, all I have to do is wait till a few selected boobleheads from the sea, exhausted of thier social chatter for the day or at the mercy of their hungry tummies find me and take me home. So till then I stare out into the chaotic after-school world. I see the evil little kids run around and get glared at by older kids when they are elbowed in their stomachs, I see the older kids turn back to their friends and continue laughing. I see the senior most lot flirting, gossiping, discussing studies, fooling around. I see kids screaming over the noise for some of thier friends standing far away. The noise grows louder, something I considered impossible moments ago, the addition is a strange sound, distinct from the kidds sounds.The cause for this sudden alacrity makes its appearance soon, a big yellow bus pushes its way through the sludge of students. And then the crowd clears a path, the smaller kids scrambling like ants running from advancing water. Its a grand entrance; the dust on the ground is lifted into the air and the bus emerges dramatically almost silhouetted, like a villain in those old films. When the bus is motionless, the crowd moves back moulding the vehicle. Things are exactly as they were before.

Then they find me and I become mobile again and go home. 

This report is highly exaggerated. But its more fun to remember it this way.

In His Shoes (They don't really fit, but worth a try)

“Take my phone.” I said.

“I don’t need it. It’s just one day. And it’s not like I call you or anything when I’m out” She replied rather rudely. She seemed pretty pissed and I was in a peace keeping mood today, thus decided not to press the matter. But then again, what if something happened?

“But still... In case something happens.”

“What could possibly happen?!” She was screaming now. So I rolled my eyes and mumbled something under my breath for her to make out as she may. I tuned her out and continued doing my work in my own world that didn’t have room for a dumbass, crabby sister.

I could still hear her stomp out and bang the front door. Why does she do that! That is so annoying.

After fuming for a couple more minutes I was able to resume studying. Time dragged; my colourless chapters didn’t help. After a while I realized that a lot of time had passed – 3 hours! She said she’d be back in 2. I tried calling out to sure she hadn’t crept in when I was absorbed in my demanding Sanskrit lessons. No reply. Not that I had expected much. Immediately, my mind started conjuring up horrible images of what might have happened. One particular scene was recurrent with vivid details…

She gets into an auto with a decent looking driver, tells him her destination. They get moving, everything is normal, until he takes an unexpected turn into one of those mysterious, winding, clustered together lanes. She protests, telling him to go back to the main road. The dude says it’s a shorter route that’ll save time and that going back would be a pain and will cost more. She has better things to worry about; she reasons, and lets the guy have his way. They go deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of lanes, a small paranoia starts gnawing at her. Finally she decides to stick with the main road idea and tells him she’ll pay the fee, just get back to the road. She thinks besides she’ll have to spend less time in class and she can blame traffic. He agrees but continues to take her down the same road, saying they were almost at the road. Her paranoid self takes control of her thoughts; she couldn’t hear any large vehicles or the inconsiderate honking of big roads. She thinks of the self defense that she knew which did not comfort her much.

Before she was done with three threads of thoughts, the auto stops. Not to worry he says and walks out to the back of the auto to get some gizmo which he put to use on the engine. He honks twice. A group of men from around the bent come by. They seem to know the driver and start enquiring as to what the problem was, all the while stealing looks at her. By now she is completely panic stricken and acting purely on instinct she starts running. She doesn’t get far when the gang catches up with her.

I didn’t allow myself to think more. I shook my head, trying to clear the horror scene and get straight to doing something about it. I called up my parents immediately; they heard the hysteria in my voice and said things that calmed me little. My mother promised to be home as soon as possible. I paced the length of my house, not really thinking of anything, rather trying not to.

After an eternity my mother got home. She asked if my sister had returned as though the fact that she hadn’t was not evident from my behavior. When I didn’t say anything, she made me sit down and told me that my sister would be fine and that there would be some very reasonable explanation for her not getting home in time. A great deal of consolation that was. She excused herself to make some phone calls.

Phone. Why didn’t she just take my phone? I should have pressed harder. Or put the phone in her bag. If she had taken my phone, none of this would have happened. She could have called when she got in trouble. Why couldn’t she just take my phone!

“What could possibly happen?!” She was screaming now.

I snapped out of my reverie and stared blankly at her. She had that maddening ‘Well, aren’t you going to say anything? Dweeb’- look on her face. 
Wow, crazy imagination. So nothing happened... yet.

“Just take it,” I said trying to sound bored and waving my phone in the air.

“Ugh!” She looked up at the ceiling exasperatedly. She snatched the phone from my hand and made a big show of putting it in her bag. “Ya happy now?”

I just shrugged and pretended to do my work, not letting her know the anxiety attacks she was saving me from, while she left banging all the unfortunate doors in her path.

By the way, nothing really happened; she did come back in record time. But I was able to breathe freer.

[[[All this was thought up by the Sister in the story, in an attempt to understand how the twisted brain of my brother works. Yup, I'm the annoying sister who did not get kidnapped.

But if I'm completely off the mark, eh well it was fun to write. 

Anyway, I'm glad I have a crazy paranoid (I guess a bit caring too) brother.]]]